Two years ago I was performing “Schindler’s List” in Maine with an orchestra I had been concertmaster of that past year. Members of that musical community had become my friends, playing chamber ensemble pieces together in each other’s homes. I think the cold, grey, and wet Winter coming has reminded me of how much warmth and light those people had in my life. I imagine they meant so much to me because I had experienced so much rejection the years prior. I was trying to build a home for myself there, where I was afraid I wouldn’t be accepted or appreciated. I didn’t see myself going halfway across the world, to a continent I had never visited before, to try to make a home for myself again.
Since then, my sound has changed much too. Because of my German pedagogical history, I focused on intensity of sound and deep colors. Now, I find that most players where I am are concentrated on lightness, speed, and cleanliness. The priorities of what a great violinist should address in their playing has changed for me, and with it my need to be of a quicker mind. One must still follow the flow of the melo
dic line, but now I don’t have the luxury of soaking up every moment in sound color. Instead I have to flow effortlessly and without hesitation between moments as my sound produces a larger picture.
And so to in my life. Time seems to be going so quickly that I no longer have the ability to be in a present moment as if it lasts for eternity. All the heavy efforts I am maki
ng every moment is flowing quickly into the next moment and activity, forming a larger life that I can’t see what lies ahead. This time last year I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner for nearly 20 of all my friends and co-workers. Now, I provide for an intimate amount of some
one’s who have impacted my life in equally meaningful ways as before, but with more intensity.
Is that what getting older is like? Where time seems to flow so much more quickly, with less time to enjoy the moment, but with greater intensity and quality of work? More intimate relationships and changing priorities?